Eighteenth note: back after a long hiatus

And what do I do?

I'm giving you a few shorter poems I've written.
Nothing fancy, just a few short things. Not all in English either.

"Send me hope in time of despair,
fill my lungs with fresh air.
Take my tears and water the plants,
I'll kill them off in my next rant.

Forward my wishes of a better future to God,
send them quick with a man in a hot rod.

Crush my body and my soul,
melt me and put it in a fresh new mold.

I'll lay next to you listening to Ryan Adams words,
his voice protects us like God's protects his sheap heard

Courtney speaks right to my heart,
maybe she is the light I see in the start.
Tomorrow I'll see what yesterday was next day,
when I'll lay myself to bed this night I'll pray."

"Torr hud som rörs av händer,
är som att starta ondsinta bränder.
Det smärtar otroligt mycket,
känner inte av kärlekstycket.
Känner helst ingenting alls.
Ilska blir skam av kontrande ord,
känner sig liten på denna jord.
Ord kan användas för att fly,
vill verkligen allt sky.
En period av brännhet eld och förvirring.
Vem orkar vad och hur hanteras känslan av......döden."

"I want a man that is dressed in a skirt,
to go out to a gay bar and flirt.
Being so bored with the classic man,
claiming he's great but he merely can.
And asking of him to do your make up,
is like asking for a break up.
He wishes for you to wear hig heels,
but a usual guy doesn't know how it feels."

There you go, three poems written by me.

If you happen to stumble upon them and want to use them, please tell me and give me credit for them.

Seventeenth note: how Quentin is an Icon...

Quentin Tarantino...a man that really amazes me.
I don't know which film that was the first one I saw, that he had directed. It could have been Pulp Fiction.
After that I've seen bits and pieces of a few of his films. Not the full features, which totally puts me to shame. Now here is the thing, I found a quote by the man that made me feel so good.

"When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, 'no, I went to films.'"

I really don't know why, but I never really get 100 percent attached to Quentin's films. But he certainly grabs me by my balls with things he says. Few people do that the way that he, Robert Rodriguez and Kevin Smith does. They are three men going exactly the way they want and not where everyone else wants them to.

"If you want to make a movie, make it. Don't wait for a grant, don't wait for the perfect circumstances, just make it."

This makes me love him...but do I dare? Not snatching and marrying him, but going ahead despite the situation I am in. Despite the lack in cash and knowledge in film. I am terrefied. Because I know it would take up a lot of time, but in the end it could be worth it. Theatre could however be much easier. A good learning experience.
Christ I am terrefied...

Current film: Sin City (an evidence that you can learn)
Current song: just anything from the 90es will do right now.
Current new knowledge: Cosmic ordering...(I'll explain later)

Sixteenth note: Miss Average Jane (if you may)

One day I find a girl called ms. Average Jane.
I did not know that she would probably trigger thoughts, wishes and ideas in me the way she does. Whatever I write, gets her to top me and write something even more triggering.
I don't feel like she is making me all mixed and confused like some people do. Or not in the classic sense of being confused. I could actually picture having a conversation with her, kiss her and then be serious again. Yes, I know. Kisses are serious, but they aren't intelligent in the way a conversation is. Catch my drift?

I have even suggested that if she needs a nude model ffor her art then I'll take of my clothes. Why the hell I want her to suffer by the sight of me naked I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to see her.

Current film: the ones that aren't made by me.
Current song: the soundtrack to them.
Current feeling: tired, slightly horny and calm.

Fifteenth note: I was dreaming last night..

I was laying there in bed, dreaming an absolutely wonderful dream. I was dreaming about me and two other women. Both of them were trying to get me to have sex with them. One older that scared me incredibly much. Also a younger, very sweet woman. I was so afraid to cum since I did not want to wake an of my family members up. In the dream...

Of course someone calls and wakes me up at 2:57 am. I hear his voice, how he seems to be crying. How he seems to actually be loving me. I hang up on him...I can't take it anymore.

When I fall asleep I dream of him. But he is fat, scary, wears a blue and black motorcycle leather outfit. When I wake up in the morning I just want to know what is going on. II don't like those dreams.

Current film: Bound
Current song: Madonna's Where Life Begins
Current mood: confused

Fourteenth note: Just right now a big aaaaaaaaaa

Just right now my mind is somewhere in between getting crazy and feeling perfectly sound.

Let me explain to you.

I am getting more and more aware of the horrible connection between talents and pacifying fear. Talents are what I have pacifying fear is what I feel. I think I know the roots of the fears to. But the roots are firmly plated into concrete earth and I keep disappointing myself with always letting myself standing still when I feel the earth move and take the chance to escape.

I wish I could just be less afraid of what would happen if I would bare my naked soul and go where daring people go. Reading a book by the Swedish author Marcus Birro. He is truly amazing, one minute I want to slap him because he seems so full of himself and the other I love him because he states something that perfectly suits my heart and soul. I think what makes me even bother to read it is that I know that what he says fits me so well. A bit like the perfect teacher. He inspires like a bitter and angry rock star, but also demands like a pesky friend. You simply have to live upto what he (without knowing it) thinks you are capable of. And in my case there lies a little bit more behind the words.

A few years back ago I wrote a poem, which I later read on the air in Frank in P3. A really big radio show in Sweden. Marcus Birro had this segment there called Diktskola, which translates to Poem School. After you read your poem he commented on it and gave a few tips and ideas. What was so magical in my case was that what he said suited my poem so well. Exactly where I felt I had pushed to get something out of myself he had said that it felt just like it was something that had not come naturally.
I absolutely love that moment. I also wonder if more people can sense when something feels forced in my writing.

Do you sense when I force the next line?

In the book I am reading he teaches how to write, giving you rules and regulations only to tell you to break them totally. Kind of stirs you up. But there is one thing he always returns to, if YOU feel you are a writer. Then you are. There are too many writers that have lost their dream and aren't writing anymore. This is the forementioned Poem School in book form.

So where am I now?

I am in a state of mind where I have just realised that I probably am a painter and a writer first. Someone who wants to live with art first of all (not only paintings). Art is so big, art is everything.
In two seconds I have changed my mind and I want to become a politician. But they walk the same road...art and politics...hopefully.

While I am here, though no one seems to read my fucking blog I am going to send some sweet regards to a few people.
If you see your name here and know it is you, please write something to me. Like a comment here or something.

Ulrika, Björn, Eva, Cissi, Lina, Sanna, Jonas, Magnus, Louise. Mother, father, sister, brother.

Whatever...I just feel like I want to sort out shit and move on.

Current film: Anything by Kevin Smith, Lost in Translation, A Love Song For Bobby Long and the Station Agent.
Current song: Beach Boys version of California Dreamin or Mary Mary by Chumbawamba
Current tickle(s): Frida Kahlo and Salvador Dali, interesting texts, music, food, love and life. (Ulrika make me live again, I promise to stop complaining)

ps. A thing I've noticed about the guys I like is that they often have the same name. Easy way of staying out of trouble if you call out for the wring person in bed...maybe?

Thirteenth note: slow soul, smooth cute tones.

I am falling in love with music that pushes me to cry. I want to cry, because I fear my laughter has been fake for a while. I know that the dull greay life is calling on me, and that I have to deal with it to get on with the future. The future where the real me is calling on the slight piece that is left of me. I want to rap myself in soft clothes, drink a sweet glass of wine and mourn all the bad decisions and things I've done. I am crazy about the thought that I might have found my tone of voice, anger, melancholy, sadness, tears and after that the release of pure joy and life....but I'll be living on the outside when I get there.
Johnny bring me with you, Marilyn take care of me, lift me up to where I belong.
I am falling....

Current music Atmospheric Chillout found at http://bestfbothworlds.blogspot.com it is so great....like drugs.
Current film that would suit me.....Lost in Translation.

Twelveth note : I seriously have a thing for Ben Affleck.

Ok, I know that most of the people I meet really don't think he's a good actor. Some even dare saying that he doesn't look good. But I have to give him a little more space online. I used to think so too, then I saw him in all of those Kevin Smith films I love. All of them, except Clerks. Thing is, he kind of looks good in Mallrats, doesn't really do it for me in Chasing amy (except the scene where he tells Alyssa he loves her), Dogma oh he is so beautiful, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back he has it...but then oh Jersey Girl. Jersey Girl is the film where he really gets to me. He is incredible, those eyes just melt you. If you would ask my friends if there is any famous guy I find sexy, an updated friend would say Ben Affleck.

So what do you do when you find an ad with the guy?
I looked at it and felt like I was gonna crawl out of my skin. BEN, why did you do this? I almost peed my pants watching it.
You gotta see it...



I'm not gonna excuse myself. But I am gonna have to say...Ben's the man.

Current film I really want to see Glory Daze
Current song, the one that will be in a film I'm gonna make.